A few weeks ago, I was in a session with my coach and she asked me about progress on my goals. I’d missed my monthly goal for two months in a row. She asked how I felt about that and I told her I was disappointed but that it was not a big deal. Although I thought I was just telling her how I was feeling, being the amazing coach that she is, she immediately knew that my response was loaded.
What she helped me realize was that I was discrediting my feelings. So I was disappointed that I’d missed my goal but in my mind there was no need (or time) to be upset about it because eventually I was going to reach it. Being in my feelings about it wasn’t going to help me get there any faster. “Girl, forget your feelings , we got stuff to do!” was pretty much what I was telling myself.
If my daughter auditioned for a play, didn’t get the part, and was upset, I wouldn’t tell her, “Girl, what you upset for? There’s no time to be upset. We got stuff to do!” No! Of course she would be upset! She really wanted that part. I would not invalidate her feelings. Instead, I would be with her and allow her the space to go through that. Then when she’s ready (and in a much clearer head space), we regroup and game plan for improving for the next audition.
It’s easy for me to see/do this for others, but I have a hard time allowing this for myself. After my coach pointed this out to me, I noticed that I do that in many other areas of my life. I tend to try and trick myself into thinking that I’m okay when I’m really not, just so that I can keep moving. I thought that if I allowed myself to feel that pain (disappointment in this case), I would get stuck there and never get out of it. As silly as it sounds, it’s how I felt.
Sometimes I am not okay. And I’m learning to be okay with that. I’m also learning that when I allow myself to go through the process of feeling the pain, I come out on the other side (surprise! I don’t get stuck there) with a clearer mind to do it again with a different strategy. It’s like I’m stronger because I went through the pain.
It’s okay to not be okay. Go through it and come out stronger.
We don’t know what we don’t know, right? If you’re like me and need someone neutral to help point out these things that can completely change your life, reach out. The first session is on me.
Gabrielle, The Thought Trainer
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